~My Brand Of Love Is Unforgiving~

There is only nothing for me now...and im way too tired for new ideals, principles or anything at all. My heart has been feeling heavy and i dont even know why. Have i really gone numb? id hate to think that i have...but slowly im beginning to embrace the idea that i am. Everything has been a bore, and change though innevitable seems to have eluded me. Scuicide seems to be my only escape. Been dreaming of blood...my blood...warm blood...running down from my wrist dripping to the floor while i just sat and watched as life escaped me. Little red dots gather forming a puddle. Crimson turn black in time. My perception blurs before the thick cigarette smoke that escapes through my gritted teeth.

If  cant get Love from you then ill go and whore myself with another. Its hard for me to deal with all these...distance and this love...and i just cant get enough of it im sure. Ill build up my lies, my bravado, my lust and fuck myself dry with the bitch sitting on the corner. I love you so much...i love you more than ive ever loved anyone before. But I just need my fixxx baby...its just sex...

Made it my own, and took it as my own....This is what ive realized about myself. As dumb as it may sound, somehow I have this sense of taking emotions from other people and own it. I was reading a book about the life of Kurt Cobain yesterday at a local book shop...I was browsing through the pages and it made me feel sick to my stomach. I can remember Kurt shot himself in the head (allegedly) when i was in my first year of high school...he was 27 then...it was one of those deaths that made me think more about my own mortality. I stared at pictures of him, some were nice and some were more than depressing. Then I saw something that i havent seen before...Kurt lying on the carpet wearing his converse sneakers and jeans...Dead. Somehow, I managed to see myself in those pictures...moments in my life where I just wanted to stop breathing....Ive flirted with the idea of killing myself a million an one times over. I thought about cutting my own wrist, jumping off the ledge of a tall building, or poisoning myself...even made a couple of suicide letters. Ive also publicly displayed this inclination..lined my wrist with red ink more than a dozen times...pretending the ink was my blood.

I can say that im a happy person, i have friends, i laugh alot, i got people who love me...but despite all of these, i still feel like killing myself at times..i just hate the idea that there are a ton of things that could go wrong with this life that i dont have control over...im messed up right now..and its wrong that there are more shit coming my way. I feel that if i dont get to kill my body, then time will eventually kill my spirit...and in the end, something has to die.

People always come in passing. Some passes us by on the street, some aquaintances, and some friends lost in the shuffle of time. I wish I listened more....things have come unnoticed, and in those countless numbers, some were bound to have changed the course of our history.

If this is love defined then ill hurt ya everytime i can. Ill ask ya to hurt me back if it makes ya feel alive. Theres no one but ya and me baby...and if ya wanna make love ill give ya one sweet fuck. Come and hurt me, ya know i love it when ya do. I wanna taste my blood on my teeth, your fingernails scratching my skin...I want it all and more...and if this troubles ya so much then ill wrap ya more. This is my unforgiving love im giving ya..and youll feel nothing from another.

I will be your carcass if youll be the cancer in my lungs.

Slit along the dotted line...
rock, paper, scissors..
needles and pins.
Staple along the arteries...
theres no mistakes here baby...
as long as you'll end up gasping.
If ya need some help ya know who ya can call.
And if ya wanna back out, I'll give ya a much needed pushing.
This is our goal, a means to an end.

Ya don't have nuthin' to fear. Ill be here till' ya pass.
I'll stay with ya till' ya bleed out if ya want. Do ya want me to hold your hand?

Ya don't have nuthin' to fear. I'll be here till' ya pass.
I wanna see your eyes turn glass. Do ya want me to hold your hand?

I detatched myself from this skin, stood back, and leaned for a closer examine...this is just a total waste of time. There was nothing.

Read between the lines..
nothing is literal. A vertical fall, a black sun...
the all knowing eye knows where to look.
A comment of such egotistical ignorance is such a bliss for the retard. The all knowing eye knows where to look.
Nothing is given, everything is cryptic in nature...
only redundance is in function for the mundane and content.
Read between the lines.
Read between my lies.
You would know where to look.
Everybody knows what it is...
you know...
why are you scared to admit it?
Believe.
A vertical fall, a black sun...
the all knowing eye knows where to look.

Beneathe the mercury lights tonight, I wait...
But ya never came..but ya never tried looking for me at all...
I heard ya went out...drank your martinis...laughed...smoked your cigarettes.
Why d'ya tell me yesternight that I was the only one for ya?
Am I the only one?
It was past midnight when ya left. I saw ya creepin out through that door...
I saw ya lightly pressed the door to its latch to silence the noise...
Why d'ya leave?
D'ya like the way he screws ya?
Don't I fuck ya like any man should?
Don't I fuck you like no other?
Didnt I let you burn me good enough?
Dontcha tell me "its not you..its me."
I got the dagger baby....
I'll wait out...beneathe the mercury lights..

Di man ninais sabihin ang nasabi, nangyari na rin ang nangyari.
Di na maaaring mabawi ang lahat...
marami nang galos at sugat ang daliri sa kakaturo.
Mga pusong nasaktan sa gitna ng away ay naglaho...
di na makikilala sa dumi ng pananalita.
Dilat ang mga mata, dugong umaapaw sa balat,
tinapat ang itak sa pulsong walang mapuntahan kung di ang sumuko.
Naghukay ng sariling sumpa hanggang dumumi ang kuko...
Walang hanggang paghihintay na tilang walang patutunguhan...
pagod na ako sa kahihintay...Tapusin na lang natin to.
Sigurado na akong wala nang magbabago....

~wakas~

Kiss me gently, I wanna make this last forever.
I love ya baby, we got 14 more hours to burn.
I'll lead ya to the room and lead ya by the hand,
Dontcha go and pretend  like we havent made fuck.
I'll bring in the wine, and I'll play some Al Green.
I wanna get ya naked, but leave the lights and your stilletoes on...
theres only one way around this baby, and i wanna fuck ya like a whore.

And to you dead and bloated nation of sleepwalkers,
so content to drown in your own rancid apathy.
That the minds of your children are being bought and sold
on the auction block by old swarthy hogs.
Oh...set a place for the auctioneer....
He'll be coming to dinner honey!
Right through our brand new muthah fuckin'
home monitor system!

Ano kaya ang nasa puso ko?
Di ko man lang maituwid ang isip upang makamit ang kabuluhan.
Sinubukan nang tumingin sa langit,
inabot ng gabi at lamig,
kinausap ang mga tala at ang bathala,
ngunit kasagutan ay di man lang dumampi sa aking mga labi.
Pinagkait na ang luha, lungkot na ramdam hanggang talampakan.
Sino kaya ang may hawak ng aking kasayahan?
Ng aking mga pangarap at tunay na minimithi sa buhay?
Mga matang nakatitig sa sarili ay nagliliyab sa harap ng salamin. Namumutla at walang laman.
Wala na nga akong magawa upang baguhin ang ikot ng aking mundo. Inabot ng mga palad ang aking mukha,
sumusuko sa panahong patuloy ang ikot na tilang walang pakialam.

Ang mga kamay na bihag ng kamao sa mahigit dalawang dekada ay hindi parin namamahinga. Sa paglipas ng panahon lalong humihigpit ang mga daliri...habang tumatagal, mas lalong bumabaon ang mga kuko sa aking mga palad. Pinagmamasdan habang pumapatak ang dugo sa sahig...di nag hihilom ang mga sugat...lalo lang lumalalim. Buo kong katawan ay nagmamanhid dulot ng sakit, ngunit ang puso ko...ngunit ang puso ko ay nakakaramdam ng buo. Biktima ng panahon at pagkakataon...walang mapagbuntungan ng galit kung di ang sarili sa mga pagkakamaling di na kayang ituwid. Paano nga ba ako nagkaganito? Ano ba ang nangyari sa akin? Masaya ako nung bata pa ako, mahilig tumawa...ngumiti...kelan ba nagsimulang nagmukhang peke ang aking mga mata? Nangungulila ako sa aking lumang pagkatao...Paano ako naging ako?

When ya said: The Taste Of Love Is To Die For....I thought they werent supposed to be literal.

Im through with this...Im through with the rejection, with guilt, and loss...Im not bitter...you are.

Common and give me some, ya know ya wanna have some of this baby. Theres no need for denying, your eyes change colors everytime ya lie...butcha cant hide from me. Tonight I'll make it your night, were gonna celebrate our lust...our love...the desire. This will be everlasting I swear. Dontcha run away from me baby...ya know this is all good. Ya know this love is bitter sweet...common and get yourself some....

So common....lets get it on.